Guys, sometimes life really sucks. Loss and infertility is something my husband and I have been struggling with for over two years now. And it has been tough. Probably the toughest 2+ years of my life. Thankfully, I have some great friends and family members who make the whole situation a little less sucky.
That is why I am “opening the bedroom door” and sharing my story today. SO many couples deal with miscarriage and fertility issues and it can feel sooooo lonely. But, the truth is you are not alone. The more and more I share our story, the more couples I discover who have had a similar experience. Some of them are good friends and some of them are acquaintances. While I pray that no one ever has to deal with miscarriage or fertility issues, it is comforting knowing I am not alone and that I have some great people who I can lean on and talk to when I’m having a tough day. I hope that by sharing my story I can help someone else feel a little less lonely.
In 2014, the hubs and I decided to start trying to have a baby. Based upon what I learned in sex education, getting pregnant was easy. Like you basically touched a boy and BOOM, nine months later you had a baby.
This assumption was confirmed for me after a few weeks of trying to conceive; we discovered we were pregnant. Man oh man, we were thrilled! We shared the news with our family members and a few friends and immediately downloaded every pregnancy app available and began pinning the shit out of nurseries on Pinterest. (Because that is what you do these days, right?)
Unfortunately, God had other plans for us and we lost our baby around six weeks. Our hearts were broken. I remember feeling so alone and wondering, “Why? Why me?”.
I talked about our loss with a couple of friends who comforted me and assured me I would be pregnant again in no time. So, me and the husband got back to it. After eight unsuccessful months, we started seeing a fertility specialist. I learned that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, but otherwise everything seemed normal. I was so hopeful! I thought, “I’ll take this pill for a few days, suffer through some hot flashes and we will have our baby!”.
Again, I thought wrong. It took awhile for us to find the right drug, the right dose and the right time to make things click. It had been over a year of pills, pokes and procedures and I was losing hope. After our fifth IUI (a.k.a artificial insemination for the farmers out there), I had hit my low. I was certain this was going to be another failed attempt.
But I was wrong. We were pregnant again! I couldn’t believe my eyes…were those TWO pink lines???. Our doctor confirmed it and at 6.5 weeks we saw our baby’s heart just a beating away. My doctor assured us everything looked normal, my hormone levels were right were they needed to be and that we had nothing to worry about.
When we went in for our 8 week ultrasound, we discovered we lost the baby and I hit a new low. They did some testing on the fetus and discovered that our baby was a girl and chromosomally normal. So, why did our baby quit growing? We will never know. There isn’t any further testing the doctors can do to determine the reason for the miscarriage. I think that might be one of the hardest parts. Wondering, “Why?” or “What is wrong with me?”.
This all went down just a few, short weeks ago. I’m doing better, but it is still tough as hell. I have good days and bad days. Days when jealousy takes over and I hate everyone. Days when I cry and feel sorry for myself. But, I also have days when I am reminded how great life is. Though I may not have a baby to make us a family of three, I do have many other blessings. I mean, my husband is basically the coolest guy around. And I have a dog that is kind enough to wake me up to let him outside when he has a midnight bathroom emergency. I also have a great support group of family and friends who would do pretty much anything for me.
I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that God likely has something pretty awesome planned for us, but it ain’t always easy. I don’t think there is anything you can do or say to ease the pain for someone who is experiencing this. Nor do I think this is something you truly understand until you have suffered through it. The best thing you can do as a friend is to listen without judgement. Also remember that you may not know when someone is going through this and questions like, “When are you guys going to have a baby?” is like kicking your friend in vajay-jay. This friend may smile and say,”Hopefully soon.”, but they actually want to rip your head off and scream the truth.
If you are going through something like this, please know that you are NOT alone. Talk with your friends and family. Heck, talk to me if you want! Just don’t keep it all bottled up; loss and infertility is tough enough as it is.
Prayers for you and family.
Thank you 🙂
Thinking of you and definitely here for you girl, anything you need. ❤️
Thanks, so much! 🙂
Hugs and prayers. Did this journey myself 43 years ago. I still hate basal thermometer’s. I have a girl I ❤️ too. I now have an adult son and daughter. Praying that your story has a happy ending.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I’m glad it had a happy ending. 🙂 Thank you for your prayers!
Oh dairy sistah! Let me add from a dairy farm(h)er – being able to get these girls pregnant on the first or second try then have to spend thousands $$$ on yourself to try and try again is infuriating – seriously, do they need some tips? Those are they days I can laugh about it. Other days are very tearful.
Ugh, I hear ya! I am constantly comparing myself to cows. haha! I hope you have more days when you can laugh versus cry. Hugs to you!
Analiese, I feel your pain–I went through some of that time of “wondering” after having abdominal surgery. We were told that it was “unlikely” we would have any children. We weren’t really “ready” to have children; the years of abdominal issues had been of greatest concern. We had “given up”–and decided to build a house. . .well–a year later we had Heidi–the doctor just shook his head and was delighted for us and said, ” this is nothing short of a miracle” and we had our dear Heidi–and later Mark! Wooooo! . A happy ending for us–I will keep you in my prayers that your dream of having a family will come true. There are other options as I am sure people have talked about–they talked to us about it as well. We were not fearful of adoption; we have friends who have 4 adopted GREAT kids–but I know you are wishing for the obvious. God has a plan–let Him know your worry, your concern–He will help you answer–maybe nothing you were expecting! It was our story; and we don’t always share it, but I thought it might give you some hope. . .PS–I know people who have adopted out of desperation and later had their own! Now wouldn’t THAT be a gift?.
Oh, Nancy! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! I never knew that and it does bring me comfort. 🙂 I appreciate your kind words and prayers!
My heart goes out to you and your family. This is a very challenging time in your life. It is very difficult to make yourself vulnerable and share the personal things you have. You’ve discovered that sharing this information often makes it possible to see how many other people have experienced something similar. And to be a recipient of their love and care.
While I do not know you personally and do not know where you are theologically, I pray God will see you through this challenging time. As you spoke of God in your post, I make the assumption faith is part of who you are. Yet, I do not believe God determined this baby should not be born. There can be a variety of reasons why this happened. What I pray is that you can find comfort in God’s loving arms through a very hard time in your life. I am very careful not to say, “Everything happens for a reason,” because, quite honestly, I do not find this helpful or accurate. Personally, I believe there are lots and lots of reasons why awful things happen to people. I do believe we have opportunities to grow and find silver linings in difficult situations when we get to a point that we are ready to do this. God will be with you in good and bad days if you seek God, along with assistance from family and friends. God is also a great way to direct anger, disappointment and all the other emotions of grief as God wants to journey with you through this dark valley in your life. An opportunity before you right now is to think about life’s challenges from a slightly different perspective when you are ready to do so. Disappointing times give us a unique opportunity to discover more about ourselves, the world around us and the God who deeply loves us. If you would like to explore my comments further, I prefer to do it offline from this comments post. Please know I am praying for you.
Oh goodness, thank you so much for your very kind and wise words! You are so right. 🙂
My daughter just lost her first. Our first grand baby( ies) twins. I have never felt so useless. How do I tell my baby that it will be ok when she has just experienced a loss I will never understand, having 4 perfect pregnancies. You have my prayers, my hugs and my complete respect. If you are anything like my daughter, you are one of the strongest women on this earth. May your rainbow baby happen for you and your husband soon. Take care of yourself. Roxann
Awe, thanks for your kind words. I’m tearing up! Prayers to you and your daughter <3
Prayers for you and your family. I too had 2 miscarriages and 3 failed IUI’s and was told we had a less than 2% chance of conceiving a child. We finally did IVF twice and we’re blessed with 3 beautiful babies. (singleton, then twins) Sometimes science has to help a little but God has his plan too I guess. Good luck to you. I’m not sure where you live but Dr. Wittmaack and his team at Aurora Baycare in Green Bay are amazing.
So happy your story had a happy ending! Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience!
So sorry to hear this Annaliese but God has plans for all of us and He will for you also. Prayers and thoughts are with you.
Thanks, Mary!
Thank you!! You are a brave courageous young lady!! Be proud!
I too dealt with infertility and 2 miscarriage. I always felt as I were looking in a glass window. Seeing what I wanted but could not touch it. After 3 rounds of ivf we had success. My triplets are going to turn 12 in january. I could not understand why I would miscarry 2 very wanted babies. But, after my triplets were born I realized god had very different plans for my husband and i. I met some wonderful woman who are my closest friends dealing with if, I would have probably never met them otherwise. All of us are now moms. Some it happened naturally, some with help from if doctors and some with adoption. Keep your faith and your eyes on your dream. But also, keep enjoying life and this special time with your husband. If is hard, not something I would ever wish on anyone, but looking back thank goodness my husband and I were able to find humor in it too. Prayers and wishes of success to you.
Thank so much for your kind words <3 Sorry to hear about your struggle, but so happy it had a happy ending. You are so right, everything happens for a reason.