Someone I Love Was Never Born


Guys, sometimes  life really sucks. Loss and infertility is something my husband and I have been struggling with for over two years now. And it has been tough. Probably the toughest 2+ years of my life. Thankfully, I have some great friends and family members who make the whole situation a little less sucky.

That is why I am “opening the bedroom door” and sharing my story today. SO many couples deal with miscarriage and fertility issues and it can feel sooooo lonely. But, the truth is you are not alone. The more and more I share our story, the more couples I discover who have had a similar experience. Some of them are good friends and some of them are acquaintances. While I pray that no one ever has to deal with miscarriage or fertility issues, it is comforting knowing I am not alone and that I have some great people who I can lean on and talk to when I’m having a tough day. I hope that by sharing my story I can help someone else feel a little less lonely.

In 2014, the hubs and I decided to start trying to have a baby. Based upon what I learned in sex education, getting pregnant was easy. Like you basically touched a boy and BOOM, nine months later you had a baby.

This assumption was confirmed for me after a few weeks of trying to conceive; we discovered we were pregnant. Man oh man, we were thrilled! We shared the news with our family members and a few friends and immediately downloaded every pregnancy app available and began pinning the shit out of nurseries on Pinterest. (Because that is what you do these days, right?)

Unfortunately, God had other plans for us and we lost our baby around six weeks. Our hearts were broken. I remember feeling so alone and wondering, “Why? Why me?”.


I talked about our loss with a couple of friends who comforted me and assured me I would be pregnant again in no time. So, me and the husband got back to it. After eight unsuccessful months, we started seeing a fertility specialist. I learned that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, but otherwise everything seemed normal. I was so hopeful! I thought, “I’ll take this pill for a few days, suffer through some hot flashes and we will have our baby!”.

Again, I thought wrong. It took awhile for us to find the right drug, the right dose and the right time to make things click. It had been over a year of pills, pokes and procedures and I was losing hope. After our fifth IUI (a.k.a artificial insemination for the farmers out there), I had hit my low. I was certain this was going to be another failed attempt.

But I was wrong. We were pregnant again! I couldn’t believe my eyes…were those TWO pink lines???. Our doctor confirmed it and at 6.5 weeks we saw our baby’s heart just a beating away. My doctor assured us everything looked normal, my hormone levels were right were they needed to be and that we had nothing to worry about.

When we went in for our 8 week ultrasound, we discovered we lost the baby and I hit a new low. They did some testing on the fetus and discovered that our baby was a girl and chromosomally normal. So, why did our baby quit growing? We will never know. There isn’t any further testing the doctors can do to determine the reason for the miscarriage. I think that might be one of the hardest parts. Wondering, “Why?” or “What is wrong with me?”.

This all went down just a few, short weeks ago. I’m doing better, but it is still tough as hell. I have good days and bad days. Days when jealousy takes over and I hate everyone. Days when I cry and feel sorry for myself. But, I also have days when I am reminded how great life is. Though I may not have a baby to make us a family of three, I do have many other blessings. I mean, my husband is basically the coolest guy around. And I have a dog that is kind enough to wake me up to let him outside when he has a midnight bathroom emergency. I also have a great support group of family and friends who would do pretty much anything for me.

I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that God likely has something pretty awesome planned for us, but it ain’t always easy. I don’t think there is anything you can do or say to ease the pain for someone who is experiencing this. Nor do I think this is something you truly understand until you have suffered through it.  The best thing you can do as a friend is to listen without judgement.  Also remember that you may not know when someone is going through this and questions like, “When are you guys going to have a baby?” is like kicking your friend in vajay-jay.  This friend may smile and say,”Hopefully soon.”, but they actually want to rip your head off and scream the truth.

If you are going through something like this, please know that you are NOT alone. Talk with your friends and family. Heck, talk to me if you want! Just don’t keep it all bottled up; loss and infertility is tough enough as it is.